Lose the Label: Homeless
by Merrily Brast Union Gospel Mission
Trace spent 15 years intermittently homeless, fluctuating from
employed to unemployed, living on the streets or in an RV without
heat, running water or electricity. “A box on wheels.” The thing he
longed for most? A shower.
“It’s embarrassing. You’re nasty, you know you’re nasty. And I got
to where I didn’t want to go look for a job unless I had [a shower]
because it was just too humiliating.”
Looking back, Trace sees his anger as almost a bigger problem than
his homelessness.
“I was pretty much functioning off anger most of my life.”
As a child, Trace said he thought his mom hated men. “My mother
was very abusive, especially to males. She tried to crush my male ego,
my dignity, my identity. And I fought that, tooth and nail, with pure,
unadulterated anger.”
Anger remained his companion throughout most of his adult life and
stood in the way of his ability to build relationships. “I never let
anyone really get to know me.”
When he got married, the anger seemed to flow both ways. His
marriage ended in divorce and, even more painfully, separation from
his daughters.
“The reality of losing my kids was more than I could tolerate, and
my way of dealing with it was to stay plastered. I started dealing
with one problem with drinking. And then I started dealing with all of
my problems with drinking.”
Trace worked to drink and drank to escape the reality of being
apart from his children. But eventually, his drinking caught up with
him. Unemployed and homeless, “I had no hope left in life.”
Ashamed, Trace came to UGM. “I had no idea there was a place like
this. I thought it was just me all by myself. I’ve got to do
everything. Period.
“When I walked into the Mission, it sparked something in me, and I
went, ‘Wait a minute. This is an organization that’s got one thing on
their mind, that’s to help you.’ I finally had to sit down and go,
‘Okay, I’m either going to finish drinking myself to death, or try
something else.”
Thankfully, Trace chose to try something else. He joined UGM LIFE
Recovery and graduated earlier this year.
Over the course of the two-year program, he dealt with his pain,
anger, and loss. “I’ve learned how to deal with my shame. I’m not
angry. And the last thing I’ll ever do is pick up that drink to deal
with my problems.”
Trace is still fighting for the chance to have a relationship with
his daughters. “I can never quit being their dad. I’m gonna try to
turn things around.
“I still have the same obstacles I had before I got to the
Mission, the same battles I was fighting, and I don’t know how they’re
gonna turn out any differently. I just have hope.”
A job. An apartment. Hope. That’s the difference your partnership
is making.
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