BEST HUMOR IN CONTEST
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving
to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles
per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back,
she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so badly, I dropped my electric shaver in my
coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
October''s Winning Humor Entry
"Sermon Gone Wrong"
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of
about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the
dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood
stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So
we''ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will
get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn''t be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into
a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don''t you boys know
it''s a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I
never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was
beginning to think he''d gotten through to them, the smallest boy
gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
November''s Winning Humor Entry
"If You Can?"
December''s Winning Humor Entry
A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are
your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Bible scholar." he replies.
"A Bible scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will
you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she''s
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will
provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don''t worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father
questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is
he thinks I''m God."
January''s Winning Humor Entry
"The Computer Gender"
A language instructor was explaining to her class the French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine. Items like "chalk," or "pencil," she described,
would have a gender association although in English these words would
be considered neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
The teacher wasn''t certain which it was, and so divided the class into
two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine
One group was composed of the women in the class and the other of the
men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons in support of their
The women concluded that computers should be referred to in the
masculine voice because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn off the
2. They can store vast amounts of data, but cannot reason.
3. The are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realized that if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided computers should definitely be
referred to in the feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
February''s Winning Humor Entry
"Liberal Education Fails Against Faith"
(Scored 9.4; highest score in our history.)
Scene - A suburban city school in Toronto.
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her
class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if
they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting
to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not
gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to
"Because I''m not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?
"I''m a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now. her face slightly red. She asks
Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, my mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a
The teacher is now angry. "That''s no reason," she says loudly. "What
about if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would
you be then?"
A pause, and a smile.
"Then," says Lucy, "I''d be an atheist."
March''s Winning Humor Entry
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh
bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet
mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to
the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was
stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I
have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand
I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said,
"Now you know why they call that mustard ''Poupon.''"
Apirl''s Winning Humor Entry
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took
off there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was
ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight
attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and
if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I
noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because
his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him
throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very
flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by
name, said, "Keith, we''re going to be in Sacramento for almost an
hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely
quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the
plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were
trying to change airlines!
May''s Winning Humor Entry
"BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER"
1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
2. There''s nothing left to learn the hard way.
3. Things you buy now won''t wear out.
4. You enjoy hearing about other people''s operations.
5. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
6. You got cable for the weather channel.
7. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
8. Your back goes out more than you do.
9. Your eyes won''t get much worse.
10. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
11. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can''t
12. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
13. People send you this list.
[I stopped laughing when I realized I was sent this list. -DM]
Humor Contest has been ended due to financial problems. God bless you. -DM
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works.
You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number
of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”
“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”
“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”
“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”
“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that’s certainly worth a point.”
“One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”
“Fantasic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.
“TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”
“Come on in!”