For many years, I believed I was nobody. I knew my opinions were not important and what I had to say was insignificant. I really wasn’t sure I was even supposed to be here. The more I believed this the quieter I became. I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing and making someone mad.
I could not make friends. I never knew what to say. I was always uncomfortable. I just did not feel like I belonged anywhere. I was always scared, terrified really.
As I grew up, I was always afraid of people seeing me, looking at me and what they thought. I worried about what they would say or think about me. I was convinced that I was offensive in how I walked, looked or even talked. I was constantly aware of the way I felt I did not “fit in”.
I have always tried to make everyone happy. I was terrified of discord. I did what I did to please this person or that person. I did what I did to make people happy. I even became a teacher because I thought that was what I was “supposed” to do. I found I was just not a happy person.
I continued to fade into the background as an adult. I was always morphing into someone else. I never felt like I was doing anything right. I was scared to even speak to anyone. I was frozen by the fear that I would upset someone.
I was frustrated with the way I looked and felt. I eventually turned to exercise for an outlet. I seemed to be good at it and even thought I enjoyed it. I could really push myself. The big problem, though, was that I really never saw any changes when I looked at myself. I thought that ifl could change the way I looked on the outside, I would feel better about myself. I even thought it might make people like me.
As time went on I found that I was good at keeping to my exercise schedule. I always did it. I was afraid not to for fear of never starting again. I thought I was lazy. The more I exercised the less hungry I was, therefore, the less I ate. This process continued, viciously. Suddenly, I found myself excited, the numbers were down yet at the same time I still did not see the difference in the mirror. My doubts were enormous. If I could not see it, it must not be true. I began panicking every time I ate anything. As you can tell, I was quickly spiraling down into a terrible pit of worthlessness. The more I wanted to make everyone happy, the more I was scared to exist, the more I physically dwindled away.
Nearly dead, God reached out and picked me up. He held me in His arms and nurtured me back to this world. He cared for me, waiting patiently for the time when I was ready to listen to Him. During this time I went bad: and forth from good to bad.
From a very young age I knew He was with me. I believed. I was not really brought up in church but my family did show a strong faith in God. I had faith in Him I just did not really know where to look for Him. It’s funny, now, He was always right here in front ofme.
The one thing I really did not understand or believe until a few years ago was that God loves me. When I was ready to hear, He said, “Pick yourself up and do what you are supposed to do! I Am here and I love you. It is time.”
He showed me how to take care of myself and how I was able to take care ofmy family. He constantly shows me why I am, who He is and how and why He loves me.
My experience is as unique and personal to me as is any other persons. I felt the presence of the Lord God, one morning while sitting in a pew in church.
The Lord has given me my life back. He gave me another chance to live life. I was in a horribly destructive cycle. I nearly killed myself many times. I believe God never lost faith in me. He wants me to live. I am in His plan.
I have quite a life now. Basically it is the same as it was before I tried to throw it all away. I have a wonderful husband, two healthy boys, a lovely stepdaughter and two dogs (my babies). We live life simply but happily in a townhouse with mismatched furniture. Between hospitalizations and doctor bills we had to sell our house, cars and all. Through faith and patience things are turning around, slowly. We have safe cars again and we are able to feed ourselves. We laugh often and enjoy the blessed life that we have.
For the first time in my life, I am not terribly concerned what people think ofme. I really don’t know if they even notice me. I am only trying to please Him.
I have truly been able to enjoy the life He has given me, free ofugly thoughts, doubts and unnecessary concerns. He is my life, I live because of Him.