Emotional Abuse
By Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CNHP
www.livingwellcc.com
Anyone tackling the subject of emotional abuse has their job cut
out for them. It is a subject that has as many facets as a 50 carat
diamond and its victims range from children to adults. It is also one
of the most difficult forms of abuse to identify and can be one of the
hardest to escape from; it can feel like emotional blackmail or is so
shocking it paralyzes the will.
If a person encounters physical abuse, the signs are usually much
easier to see. However emotional abuse is a punch to the inner man,
and often takes time to manifest in signs of insecurity, uncertainty,
heartache, low self esteem and withdrawal. It is a slow, wearing down
of healthy boundaries, emotional resources, trust in personal
perceptions and self concept. Abuse originates within the motive of
the abuser which is often very hard to prove or detect, so victims
resort to blaming themselves, judging themselves as weak or unable to
cope. This type of wounding is deep and takes far longer to heal.
A simple definition of a common type of emotional abuse is:
“Emotionally wounding another person and then demeaning them for
feeling that pain.” With children this can look like a parent calling
their child ‘stupid’, or cursing at them and then calling them a baby
when they cry. Other examples can be consistently invalidating the
child’s feelings by telling them they have no reason to, or shouldn’t
feel the way they feel, i.e. the child has lost a meaningful
possession and the parent says, “it’s just a toy, you’re just being
too sensitive.”
In adults, this kind of invalidation can take the form of insults
which come in the guise of “teasing”. When the recipient of this kind
of teasing is wounded by it, the most common retort might be, “I was
just teasing… can’t you take a joke?” In this situation, the
perpetrator has disguised a hurtful remark with humor and it may look
very innocent to outsiders. If the victim is able to say they have
been hurt, their feelings should be acknowledged. Remarking that the
person can’t take a joke relieves the perpetrator of responsibility
for their actions and transfers responsibility to the wounded one,
questioning their emotional strength, mental health and personal
discernment as to what has transpired. The more healthy response would
be to apologize and ask for forgiveness.
Another form, which can be far more insidious, is when the
perpetrator insults, threatens or demeans the victim and then denies
their actions. In this form of abuse, the strategy can be direct or
implied and is most effective when there is dependency in the
relationship, either real or perceived. One common misconception about
these forms of abuse is they take the form of yelling, criticizing or
other stereotypical perceptions of negative communication between
people. However, other forms of emotional abuse can be just as
damaging, and far less overt. They can include patterns of being
disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing,
critical, judgmental, lying, repeatedly “forgetting” promises and
agreements, betrayal of trust, “setting you up”, unreasonable
expectations and “revising” history. As described before, this form of
behavior is often paired with a denial of the behavior which can sound
like, “Why are you reacting like that, I was just trying to be
honest?” or “I thought you were mature enough to hear what I had to
say” or even “you just don’t have the experience to understand what
I’m trying to tell you.”
As I have counseled victims of abuse and done research on the
subject, I came across a victim’s testimonial which summed up the
experience of emotional abuse quite well in the following statement:
“One of the most difficult things about identifying someone who is a
psychological and emotional abuser is that the REALLY successful
abusers are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well.
They may have shelves filled with psychology books; many are well-read
and very well spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language
and people. They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control,
when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain, so
they try to control others, and drive them to LOSE control. If an
abuser can cause their victim to lose control, it proves how healthy
THEY are, so they can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it''s amazing how
sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words),
“There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I''m not the one
who needs therapy, you are.” Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the
abuse at all, all they see is an outburst from the victim, NOT the
abuse that triggered it. It may make the victim feel as if they have
had all their lifelines withdrawn, as if they are going crazy, because
nobody believes that this charming, “nice”, helpful, successful person
could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and deliberately hurtful.”
Although all emotional abusers do not have libraries filled with
psychology books or are well read, the common denominator with
emotional abusers is the ability to twist and manipulate language. If
the abuser can convince the victim that their response to the abuse is
somehow a personal weakness or deficiency, the abuser retains control.
This usually works best with children or victims who have not been
able to develop a solid identity. Adults whose personal value is
dependent on external evaluators, such as how well they performed a
project, other’s opinions or even their own comparisons to an
unattainable standard of perfection can be most susceptible to
emotional abuse. Some of the worst scenarios take place with elderly,
dependent adults who often have little control over their
circumstances because of age or health issues. It should be noted here
that emotional abuse differs from hurting others by mistake when it
becomes a pattern.
The reasons for inability to remove oneself from emotional abuse
can be unique to each victim; however it usually has to do with the
two things; 1) the victim’s need for love and acceptance and 2) the
victim’s susceptibility to addictive processes. The need for love is
basic to the human condition and it has been proven that we are unable
to live without it. When basic human needs such as love are given and
taken away, over time it becomes torturous to the victim, breaking
down their defenses and strength of will. Ask any prisoner of war.
However, that pattern of giving and taking plays on one of the
strongest addictive patterns known; incremental gain at variable
times. This can be seen best in the addiction to gambling. Slot
machines, lotteries, card games etc., pay off in amounts that are
sometimes large and sometimes small, being paired with the pay off
coming at different times. Using slot machines as an example, a person
may get many quarters on their first payoff, and then 30 seconds later
a few more quarters drop down. 90 seconds later a few more quarters
drop but after a few more minutes there is a much larger payoff. This
pattern will keep the person sitting there for a long time with the
thought that the next big payoff is just around the corner.
Emotional abuse is very similar. Love is the payoff and in the
beginning stages of the relationship, whether its marriage or
friendship, the amount of love and/or acceptance and approval comes in
large quantities. When the abuse starts to happen, it may be a large
dose and then there are two or three weeks or more of relatively good
relationship before the next event happens. Perhaps after that one
large dose of abuse, all it takes is a few smaller insults, or
devaluing episodes for the abuser to regain control. Then a larger
episode happens again. In this type of scenario, the victim is living
for the payoff of love and often, the payoff comes in smaller and
smaller increments over the lifetime of the relationship. By that
time, the victim has become worn down, has fewer personal resources to
counter the abuse and finds themselves caught in the never ending
cycle, believing the next big payoff is just at hand and then
everything will be alright, like it was in the beginning.
Emotional abuse almost always boils down to a lack of honor and
respect for others; where one person perceives that another’s autonomy
will encroach on their well being. As Christians, our goal is to be
constantly transformed into the image of Jesus. Jesus gave honor and
respect to those he related to regardless of age, so therefore it is
our goal to submit to whatever healing we need in order to become more
like Him. Each time someone is emotionally victimized, the perpetrator
has made a choice to continue in their unhealed state rather than
pursuing the lie in their heart that generates their desire to control
others. In Gethsemane, Jesus personally identified with the hurts and
wounds of mankind. To the degree perpetrators cannot identify with the
pain of their victims is the degree that wounding in their lives has
eroded their ability to be connected to their own heart and emotions.
This is a place of healing that must be addressed in the lives of abusers.
Working with victims is a journey to find those core beliefs that
have limited the person’s ability to believe they are worthy, valuable
and deserving of respect. It is a journey to re-establish their God
given identity. A victim is severely limited in their ability to deal
with the abuse in their lives while laboring without these vital
ingredients. Confronting the addictive pattern directly often causes
severe distress since the victim has so few resources to successfully
negotiate that path. As counselors and friends, we can bring truth,
pray for healing of the wounds of worthlessness and ask the Lord to
build a capacity within the heart to say no to the abuse, either by
words or deeds. Once a victim understands how much the Lord loves them
and is strengthened in their identity as a unique and valuable human
being they will seldom stay in an abusive relationship.
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