I would like to think a GOOD lawyer could get all of my charges dropped, based on the three prior counseling experiences, just months to the ‘break down’ and car rental event, and based on this test above or one court approved like it. As time passes and I am trying to heal not only MS, but also from repeated attacks of pneumonia following jail... and sever psychological PTSD from the horrible, evil - wrong jail incident, but still from all the things that broke me down as a precursor.
I truly believe, had a real ethical, real honorable, and professional attorney met me that first day, first of all, they would have suggested a civil suit against the jail from the previous evening/nights abuse... and then, would have made sure I had access to my contact info, and then... would have heard my entire scenario, and likely - had me transferred to a mental health facility, due to my broken down state of being.
I believe with all that I had to provide: letter’s to ERAC, pastors all over the coast whom I sought for help - shelter’s all over the state of Oregon, who denied me, the counseling emails and visits (recorded) up to that time - would have been enough to have settled out of court with ERAC and had the sentence dropped to a misdemeanor, no probation and no fines, etc. And no drug or alcohol programs. I am a spring water and barley grass juice powder drinker, who does not even take aspirin or cold medicine - and had surgery using NO pain meds. I use garlic and ginger for anti-biotics.
Our system ASSUMES the worst and no one is treated as an individual. If all court appointed attorney’s are like the one I had, then it’s already a slam dunk - no help - no listening - no ethical representation - no use. There are people, like myself who truly have mitigating circumstances.
One call to the counselor I saw in person, who broke down, while I broke down in my sharing could sum up, I am sure, that I was headed for a total break down. I do not know why she did not call me and warn me, but when I left, we both had used a whole box of Kleenex, and had swollen eyes and red noses, and could not talk. Anyoe reading my appeal for online email counseling, where I shared, with Pastor Eric could probably say they too saw a crash coming. He refused to email counsel, but offered in person. I did not go, for fear of what happened before with the first one, would happen again. I know the complexities of all I was trying to process and deal with, and the losses of my health, relationships with family - and losing my grandmother - the only adult support/family I ever had - then Ken, and the abuse starting up again - and fleeing for fear it could be violent again - I just truly, with God as my witness died inside. I ran, and I ran and I ran - because I could not end my seemingly hopeless life. I did not know what else to do, nor felt there was any place I could go, because I did not want to take all my burdens, sorrow, sadness and problems to anyone I cared about. The more things are coming back, as I emotionally process, without panic attacks everything from months before, to the attempted dying after jail - seems to indicate I had melted down in the worse way and did not know it was even happening.
I scored 500 almost on this test, and several things that I was going through are not even listed still! It would be higher if they were. Criminals do not email the rental car agency asking for time and explain their need and hope and good intentions. I was never criminal, not ever, in anything, and the more I look back, I see that I needed help, not being arrested and jailed. Having MS so many years affects you emotionally and mentally too, all in it’s self. it makes it very - extremely complicated to process and deal with anxiety, stress and fear and pain, much more than people with out it.
I want to make amends to ERAC. I would never have told them I planned to, if I did not. If I did not, I would have sought forgiveness, rather than time. I seek forgiveness now, because my emotional, mental and physical health and all the abuses and negligence in real medical needs in the jail time, has prevented me from feeling safe and able to get us all closer to closure. I never in a million years would figure this all would go on this long. But, I am seeing that I am only now, slowly, beginning to heal, just from all the things that took place BEFORE the ordeal with being arrested and jailed. And I am having nightmares, panic attacks and PTSD from that part, still, and detrimental levels. I have not even begun to heal in that area yet.
I am working on working through fear and pain and loss, in more healthy ways, and I am trying to learn to curb the ‘runaway’ aspect of my fright flight mode. MS plays a big role in this, because stress, fear and anything negative and dangerous or threatening sends my body (nervous system) over the red alert mark, and over what usually people know, ten times worse. Once it starts it takes a serious toll, sometimes minor strokes - and those take 1-3 months to recover from. So, I run for preservation, often desperate and afraid. Or, I used to. I am working hard to work through everything to change my ways.
I wrote to ERAC, and expressed that I have a plan, in the event anything like this ever happened again, I’d recognize it much earlier, and I would go get in-patient help, until I work through everything, if I need to do that. I have learned from my mistake. I hope one day to use it, to help others somehow, and save people from suffering consequences from fear based, emotional reacting and acting - so they can be diverted. I so wish someone had helped me see, know and intervened for me! I hope to be stronger and aware if anything like this ever happens again. I had situations in the past, and knew - but this time, I was so determined things were going to turn around, all through before - during and after that I did not even see it building and coming. I was possibly deluded in a sense, before, during and after - as a survival mode - which worked, until after I was released from jail - which pushed me over the edge to try to end my life, most seriously. I had never had the guts to do it before, no matter how hurting, afraid or desperate I was... until after jail. That jail scared me so much, I thought I could never live in the real world again, and trust any law enforcement people. I lost so much from that experience that it just was to me a sign of the wickedness, perversion and INHUMANITY and INJUSTICE - and took away from me any reason to want to exist. I would have worked out, in time, all the previous personal stuff - even if I had been arrested and had a GOOD attorney, and a jail the way one could/should be run, and if ethical judiciary practices had been followed... and I had been through, and personally seen the wheels of justice doing a good, legal - ethical and fair job, not to mention dignified, safe and impressive. I saw people being paid who were monsters and sloppy and it reminded me of kids having a fort, and a game they acted out, and these were kids who had issues, so it was all wrong!
I have never known the ‘drug or gang’ world, but I tell you, I’d feel safer sleeping in a ‘crack house’ than being in that jail. I’d be around emotionally and psychologically safer people under bridges, than around those deputies and guards. I used to have a Matthew 25 ministry, taking clothes, food, blankets, coats etc., to the homeless. I did not just find them on the streets. I went to railroad spots, into thick blackberry plots, under bridges, out into forests where they camp, and I never felt fear, ever. Once, I even ran into a 6’ 6” tall man that I was later told was a notorious killer - under a bridge. He was sitting when I approached, and this time I was searching for someone. As I got closer and he realized I was talking to him, he stood. All in black leathers and spike, and so tall, and yes, intimidating! I gulped, prayed and kept talking, a little nervous. He actually responded to me in a way that was very humane. I visited a bit more, and really - wanted to give him a hug before I left.
I am worried if I was face to face with any of those people who abused me and taunted, and provoked me my blood pressure would go up, and I’d be at risk of stroke number 4 or five. (I am sure an updated MRI has records of them all) No one has ever scared me as those people BEING PAID as public servants. I have even been abducted, twice. A cult leader sent a group after me once too. Seriously, it’s all verifiable. I was not anywhere as afraid for my health and life in any of these things as I was in jail, some from other inmates, but most, from the jailers.
Note: I have all these things available for verification. Letter’s to ERAC (Enterprise Rent A Car, the counseling appointment, emails, etc., appeals to churches and agencies for help. Friends, family, etc., that can give statements. A bit more... I imagine they all ‘knew’ I was headed in a break down. I had left my ex once before and almost reported abuse - holes in walls, almost being in a position to fall down stairs. I made a 911 call, but told them, for him, everything was OK. He begged me to do it. The day I fled, he was acting ‘that way again.’ Which meant I had to ‘flee’ again. I had been in a shelter once before, barely, because I did not file a police report on him, not wanting to hurt him, knowing our pressures, financially and emotionally were considerations, and that being ill is a lot for someone not ill to deal with, but even still, when I saw ‘all of that’ from before starting up in his voice, and facial expressions - I lost it, and I gave up, I died inside. I had too much all hitting me at once too, over a several month, probably 6 month period with all his and my stuff, then all the family stuff and all the increasing - progressing MS stuff - now all my efforts and work for my business was going to be lost again... I just could not deal with it all. I went into rote ‘something’ I have never known before. And it meant losing all hope, all efforts, all dreams all goals all we ‘tried’ to accomplish and after all the investments and pressures - it now was all being lost, again, like the first time I was struck down with MS, etc, and was ill three years. These ARE not excuses, but realities and I believe a lot of people may have had similar situations, this is why we need better attorney’s for ALL people, and more investigations into reasons why people have first offenses and get to the real root causes and help people get the real help they need, so we can really, then use the justice system for good, not for what I experienced. If they had kept me longer, I likely could have died, or I would have been adversely (putting this mildly) affected/altered/changed and for the worse... much, much worse - mostly due to the paid servants influences, head games, and psychological games - and abuses. May we all strive to be a blessing to others... This is where true happiness is found! Luke 6:38 ~ Matthew 25:34-40