Our Pastor Talked About This Test Today
I would like to think a GOOD lawyer could get all of my charges
dropped, based on the three prior counseling experiences, just months
to the ‘break down’ and car rental event, and based on this test above
or one court approved like it. As time passes and I am trying to heal
not only MS, but also from repeated attacks of pneumonia following
jail... and sever psychological PTSD from the horrible, evil - wrong
jail incident, but still from all the things that broke me down as a
I truly believe, had a real ethical, real honorable, and
professional attorney met me that first day, first of all, they would
have suggested a civil suit against the jail from the previous
evening/nights abuse... and then, would have made sure I had access to
my contact info, and then... would have heard my entire scenario, and
likely - had me transferred to a mental health facility, due to my
broken down state of being.
I believe with all that I had to provide: letter’s to ERAC,
pastors all over the coast whom I sought for help - shelter’s all over
the state of Oregon, who denied me, the counseling emails and visits
(recorded) up to that time - would have been enough to have settled
out of court with ERAC and had the sentence dropped to a misdemeanor,
no probation and no fines, etc.
And no drug or alcohol programs. I am a spring water and barley grass
juice powder drinker, who does not even take aspirin or cold medicine
- and had surgery using NO pain meds. I use garlic and ginger for
Our system ASSUMES the worst and no one is treated as an
individual. If all court appointed attorney’s are like the one I had,
then it’s already a slam dunk - no help - no listening - no ethical
representation - no use.
There are people, like myself who truly have mitigating circumstances.
One call to the counselor I saw in person, who broke down, while I
broke down in my sharing could sum up, I am sure, that I was headed
for a total break down. I do not know why she did not call me and warn
me, but when I left, we both had used a whole box of Kleenex, and had
swollen eyes and red noses, and could not talk.
Anyoe reading my appeal for online email counseling, where I shared,
with Pastor Eric could probably say they too saw a crash coming. He
refused to email counsel, but offered in person. I did not go, for
fear of what happened before with the first one, would happen again.
I know the complexities of all I was trying to process and deal with,
and the losses of my health, relationships with family - and losing my
grandmother - the only adult support/family I ever had - then Ken, and
the abuse starting up again - and fleeing for fear it could be violent
again - I just truly, with God as my witness died inside. I ran, and I
ran and I ran - because I could not end my seemingly hopeless life. I
did not know what else to do, nor felt there was any place I could go,
because I did not want to take all my burdens, sorrow, sadness and
problems to anyone I cared about.
The more things are coming back, as I emotionally process, without
panic attacks everything from months before, to the attempted dying
after jail - seems to indicate I had melted down in the worse way and
did not know it was even happening.
I scored 500 almost on this test, and several things that I was
going through are not even listed still! It would be higher if they
were. Criminals do not email the rental car agency asking for time
and explain their need and hope and good intentions.
I was never criminal, not ever, in anything, and the more I look back,
I see that I needed help, not being arrested and jailed.
Having MS so many years affects you emotionally and mentally too, all
in it’s self. it makes it very - extremely complicated to process and
deal with anxiety, stress and fear and pain, much more than people
with out it.
I want to make amends to ERAC. I would never have told them I
planned to, if I did not. If I did not, I would have sought
forgiveness, rather than time. I seek forgiveness now, because my
emotional, mental and physical health and all the abuses and
negligence in real medical needs in the jail time, has prevented me
from feeling safe and able to get us all closer to closure. I never in
a million years would figure this all would go on this long.
But, I am seeing that I am only now, slowly, beginning to heal, just
from all the things that took place BEFORE the ordeal with being
arrested and jailed. And I am having nightmares, panic attacks and
PTSD from that part, still, and detrimental levels. I have not even
begun to heal in that area yet.
I am working on working through fear and pain and loss, in more
healthy ways, and I am trying to learn to curb the ‘runaway’ aspect of
my fright flight mode. MS plays a big role in this, because stress,
fear and anything negative and dangerous or threatening sends my body
(nervous system) over the red alert mark, and over what usually people
know, ten times worse. Once it starts it takes a serious toll,
sometimes minor strokes - and those take 1-3 months to recover from.
So, I run for preservation, often desperate and afraid. Or, I used to.
I am working hard to work through everything to change my ways.
I wrote to ERAC, and expressed that I have a plan, in the event
anything like this ever happened again, I’d recognize it much earlier,
and I would go get in-patient help, until I work through everything,
if I need to do that.
I have learned from my mistake. I hope one day to use it, to help
others somehow, and save people from suffering consequences from fear
based, emotional reacting and acting - so they can be diverted. I so
wish someone had helped me see, know and intervened for me! I hope to
be stronger and aware if anything like this ever happens again.
I had situations in the past, and knew - but this time, I was so
determined things were going to turn around, all through before -
during and after that I did not even see it building and coming. I was
possibly deluded in a sense, before, during and after - as a survival
mode - which worked, until after I was released from jail - which
pushed me over the edge to try to end my life, most seriously.
I had never had the guts to do it before, no matter how hurting,
afraid or desperate I was... until after jail. That jail scared me so
much, I thought I could never live in the real world again, and trust
any law enforcement people. I lost so much from that experience that
it just was to me a sign of the wickedness, perversion and INHUMANITY
and INJUSTICE - and took away from me any reason to want to exist.
I would have worked out, in time, all the previous personal stuff -
even if I had been arrested and had a GOOD attorney, and a jail the
way one could/should be run, and if ethical judiciary practices had
been followed... and I had been through, and personally seen the
wheels of justice doing a good, legal - ethical and fair job, not to
mention dignified, safe and impressive. I saw people being paid who
were monsters and sloppy and it reminded me of kids having a fort, and
a game they acted out, and these were kids who had issues, so it was
I have never known the ‘drug or gang’ world, but I tell you, I’d
feel safer sleeping in a ‘crack house’ than being in that jail. I’d be
around emotionally and psychologically safer people under bridges,
than around those deputies and guards.
I used to have a Matthew 25 ministry, taking clothes, food, blankets,
coats etc., to the homeless. I did not just find them on the streets.
I went to railroad spots, into thick blackberry plots, under bridges,
out into forests where they camp, and I never felt fear, ever. Once,
I even ran into a 6’ 6” tall man that I was later told was a notorious
killer - under a bridge. He was sitting when I approached, and this
time I was searching for someone. As I got closer and he realized I
was talking to him, he stood. All in black leathers and spike, and so
tall, and yes, intimidating! I gulped, prayed and kept talking, a
little nervous. He actually responded to me in a way that was very
humane. I visited a bit more, and really - wanted to give him a hug
before I left.
I am worried if I was face to face with any of those people who
abused me and taunted, and provoked me my blood pressure would go up,
and I’d be at risk of stroke number 4 or five. (I am sure an updated
MRI has records of them all) No one has ever scared me as those people
BEING PAID as public servants.
I have even been abducted, twice. A cult leader sent a group after me
once too. Seriously, it’s all verifiable. I was not anywhere as afraid
for my health and life in any of these things as I was in jail, some
from other inmates, but most, from the jailers.
Note: I have all these things available for verification. Letter’s to
ERAC (Enterprise Rent A Car, the counseling appointment, emails, etc.,
appeals to churches and agencies for help. Friends, family, etc., that
can give statements. A bit more... I imagine they all ‘knew’ I was
headed in a break down. I had left my ex once before and almost
reported abuse - holes in walls, almost being in a position to fall
down stairs. I made a 911 call, but told them, for him, everything was
OK. He begged me to do it.
The day I fled, he was acting ‘that way again.’
Which meant I had to ‘flee’ again. I had been in a shelter once
before, barely, because I did not file a police report on him, not
wanting to hurt him, knowing our pressures, financially and
emotionally were considerations, and that being ill is a lot for
someone not ill to deal with, but even still, when I saw ‘all of that’
from before starting up in his voice, and facial expressions - I lost
it, and I gave up, I died inside. I had too much all hitting me at
once too, over a several month, probably 6 month period with all his
and my stuff, then all the family stuff and all the increasing -
progressing MS stuff - now all my efforts and work for my business was
going to be lost again... I just could not deal with it all. I went
into rote ‘something’ I have never known before.
And it meant losing all hope, all efforts, all dreams all goals all we
‘tried’ to accomplish and after all the investments and pressures - it
now was all being lost, again, like the first time I was struck down
with MS, etc, and was ill three years.
These ARE not excuses, but realities and I believe a lot of people may
have had similar situations, this is why we need better attorney’s for
ALL people, and more investigations into reasons why people have first
offenses and get to the real root causes and help people get the real
help they need, so we can really, then use the justice system for
good, not for what I experienced. If they had kept me longer, I likely
could have died, or I would have been adversely (putting this mildly)
affected/altered/changed and for the worse... much, much worse -
mostly due to the paid servants influences, head games, and
psychological games - and abuses.
May we all strive to be a blessing to others...
This is where true happiness is found!
Luke 6:38 ~ Matthew 25:34-40